Why I quit breastfeeding

Before I became pregnant, and throughout my pregnancy, I was absolutely certain that I was going to breastfeed on demand until at least O's first birthday. 

I was more than an advocate for breast being best. I genuinely believed that breastfeeding always worked if you tried hard enough.

I had read and convinced myself (and tried to convince others) that the studies on asthma, obesity, intelligence etc. were just one part of the benefit, and that the parenting bond between mother and baby was just so much stronger in those that breastfed. 

In other words, I was a total pain in the ass. I don’t know how my formula feeding family and friends didn’t hurt me.

My breastfeeding journey did not go as I had planned.

Preparation 

We selected a breastfeeding friendly hospital and in the weeks before O was born, I expressed colostrum into tiny syringes and stored them in the freezer in individual ziploc bags, each labelled with the date and time.

I had a discussion with my consultant in advance of my c-section requesting skin to skin with O as early as possible and for as long as possible.

I bought a haakaa pump.

I read breastfeeding books.

We attended a breastfeeding class.

I researched lactation consultants in our area.

I watched countless videos on YouTube of laid back breastfeeding and how to get a latch.

I read about tongue ties and engorgement and cabbage leaves and lactation cookies.

I was ready.

Show Time

Then O was born.

We were apart for about 20 minutes and then it was time to get that all important latch. I applied all my theory to the situation. Wide open mouth, nose to nipple, don’t push the back of his head, keep his hands free.

It took a while but we did it.

The First Few Days

I continued to watch him for signs of hunger so that I could feed him on demand. Every time he stuck out his tongue, or smacked his lips or turned his head, I fed him.

We spent most of those first 48hrs in hospital skin to skin, with him latching well but very frequently. I was assured that this was normal as he built up my supply.

The Beginning of the End

We had his first weigh in at 48hrs old. He had dropped 11% of his body weight. 

The Healthcare Assistant tutted audibly and let us know that the doctors “would have a talk” with us later. 

Fifteen minutes and a stern lecture from a paediatrician later, a hospital grade breast pump had been rolled in and O had demolished his first 70ml of formula. 

The next few days in hospital disappeared in a blur of c-section recovery, pumping, latching, "top-up" bottle feeding and nappy changes.

We discovered a tongue tie so tight that his tongue was heart-shaped when he stuck it out. Despite repeated assurances that this was unlikely to be causing any difficulties, we pushed hard for a referral to a tongue tie specialist. I wanted to remove all obstacles.

There was midwife support, but with every shift came new (and often conflicting) advice. Most of it from overstretched midwives who either did not have children or who had not breastfed their own babies. My requests for a lactation consultant were fruitless.

Out on Our Own

We were discharged on the morning of day 5 with a referral to get his tongue tie reviewed and a handful of readymade formula bottles and some screw on teats.

As the hospital was a breastfeeding friendly hospital, they were unable to provide us with more than a few hours worth of these bottles. More frustratingly, they could not even to direct us to where they were sold.

Family members were dispatched to source more formula so we could keep up with his growing demand. (We were able to source boxes with 24 of the 70ml Aptamil bottles and the screw on teats at the newsagent on Holles Steet and also the Coombe Hospital shop.)

Just Get to 2 Weeks

I set myself a breastfeeding target of making it to 2 weeks. That was the amount of time everyone said was necessary to establish my milk supply. I expected it to be difficult and powered through.

We set up a few comfy breastfeeding stations around the house. We rented a hospital grade pump to have at home. We had a system: I would latch him on one breast, then the other, then give any pumped milk that I had, then top up with formula. We didn't give the bottle until he decided he was finished at the breast (no matter how long that took). Then whilst he slept or swung in his swing, I would pump.

I pumped after every feed.

I pumped every 3 hours.

I set alarms during the night to wake up and pump.

I did pumping power hours.

I got infections and blisters and bled.

We paid the doctor to cut O’s tongue tie. It didn't help. We struggled on, nipples bleeding and O screaming before, during and after feeding. He cried and I cried.

My two week target fell on Christmas Day. It came and went.

The Formula Spiral

We were giving more and more formula while the guilt grew and grew. He was clamped to me most of the time, yet whenever he came off the breast he would drain bottles of formula. I was exhausted and so guilty. It started to feel like he was just putting up with the breast so that he could get to the bottle afterwards.

I read endless blogs and texted friends that had breastfed and demanded to know just how hard it had been.

The public health nurse visits came and went, the VHI (health insurance) home visit midwives came and went. All with so much conflicting advice. He was gaining weight (thanks to the formula), and it was Christmas, so the threshold for offering additional support was high.

Every day he was taking more and more formula and getting more and more reluctant to latch. I was either feeding or pumping almost 24/7 and completely exhausted.

Hope

In early January, after the holidays, we were finally able to get an appointment with a lactation consultant. She came to our home, listened to the history, examined me and watched O as he latched and fed.

Then, she took a deep breath and listed the challenges:

- the delay in skin to skin at birth

- the fact that O had a tight neck to one side

- the tongue tie

- the early (and increasing) formula probably preventing true supply and demand ever being established

She very kindly told me something I had suspected all along, that all these environmental challenges were probably surmountable if nature had done its part, but given the shape and size of my breast tissue, it is unlikely that I would ever produce enough milk to sustain and satisfy a growing baby. 

She suggested that we had probably maxed out my supply already and to continue offering the breast, but as a comfort measure after he had consumed the recommended amount of formula, not as his sole source of nutrition. 

Accepting Defeat

Following her visit, I doggedly persisted with trying to breastfeed him for another week or so until he was about 5 weeks old, at which point he started refusing to latch. We transitioned entirely to bottles at that stage.

I continued pumping until he was 8 weeks old, at which point it was taking an hour to get just 4oz of milk - not even a full feed. The amount of time I was spending pumping was interfering with my ability to do anything else. I was exhausted and my husband had gone back to work.

Relief

In hindsight, I don't know if the lactation consultant was just being kind and letting me off the hook, but the relief was like a tidal wave.

I had done my best.

Whilst I am disappointed that I wasn't able to breastfeed O for longer, and frustrated that I didn't get access to the support that could have helped us earlier; quitting was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Fed is Best

I still completely trust the scientific evidence that breast is best, but switching to formula gave me the time and space to actually start enjoying being a mum for the first time. Fed is Best.

Disclaimer: this post represents my personal experiences and does not constitute medical advice of any kind. Always consult with your physician regarding any medical questions or queries.