a letter to myself this time last year

In spite of the current situation, we had a lovely Easter weekend. We really missed our families, but spent time hanging out as a family of three; working on the garden, cooking and eating delicious food and just enjoying some down time together. It was a welcome relief from the constant tag teaming and daily marathon of trying to both work from home, mind Osk, keep the house clean and stay on top of laundry, groceries and life admin.

Osk also turned 16 months old, which really got me thinking about this time last year. Life was completely chaotic. I was finding it really difficult and feeling like a total failure. I had given up on breastfeeding. I had a baby that screamed relentlessly, needed physio for his neck, was on medication and special formula for reflux and had a rapidly growing birthmark on his face.

I had had to abandon countless situations (baby yoga, postnatal pilates, baby massage, baby swimming, coffee dates, food shops) as that woman that couldn’t console her child. Going anywhere with him in the car was a nightmare. I was exhausted, anxious about everything and obsessed with not establishing bad habits.

Life could not be more different now. Osk is a smiley, happy toddler. He sings, dances and loves to twirl in circles and blow kisses. He has slept through the night for about 2 weeks now (I still have no idea what changed).

I would love to be able to go back to that new mum, to break through her newborn fog for a few minutes to let her know that she will feel completely differently about life, it just takes time.

a letter to myself as a new mum

Dear Oscar’s Mum,

(you will become Naomi again, just not for a few months)

You did it! You made it to sixteen months. Osk is a happy, friendly, loving, funny, outgoing, bulldozer of a human. He is a bizarre but pretty perfect combination of you and his dad. He adores his monkey and eating houmous with his hands. He points at and demands things NOW. He walks, laughs and says “uh oh” constantly. He delights in music and absolutely loves dogs. He is brilliant.

First, please stop googling everything. You are doing just fine. He is healthy, gaining weight and hitting his milestones. His head is not flat. His tight neck will loosen up. That’s just baby acne, not a rash. You did sterilise that bottle. He’s not too cold. He eats enough. That weird noise is totally normal.

Sleep! He will not die if you close your eyes and sleep. I promise. You do not need to lie awake and watch him all night. Speaking of sleep, let him sleep on you, let him sleep in the buggy, let him sleep in the sling. Just let him sleep. Stop worrying about establishing a routine. Once you learn to pay attention to his wake windows, you are flying. His sleep does get better. He sleeps through the night now! The medication regime for his birth mark will frustrate most of your efforts at sleep training, but you will survive. Your consistent bedtime routine will become one of your proudest parenting achievements.

Be present. Focus on how he feels, how he smells, the weight of him asleep on your chest. Before you know it, he will want to wriggle off your lap and explore the world. Enjoy the snuggles while you can. 

Cutting his fingernails does not get easier. Sorry.

It’s ok to not adore him just yet. You will feel very differently about him in a few weeks and then phenomenally differently in a few months. For now, just keep going through the motions and know that this is all normal, people just don’t talk about it.

It’s ok that you stopped breastfeeding. You have done an incredible job persisting as long as you have. You are correct that he has silent reflux and you will do a phenomenal job ensuring that he gets treatment despite all the hurdles that are placed in your way.

Teething is crap. It goes on forever.  It affects his eating, sleeping and his mood. He gets them in batches. It’s rough. You will use a lot of calpol (him) and eat a lot of flapjacks (you). Just do what you need to do to survive.

Speaking of teething, be careful. He bites.

You were right. That red dot on his upper lip that appeared when he was two weeks old is the beginning of a birth mark. It’s called a haemangioma and will grow to the size of a raspberry. People will make rude comments, but you are awesome at shutting them down politely. You will do your own research and push for a dermatology referral despite being advised not to. This is the right choice. There is a treatment and it works, it is almost gone now!

For some reason the nickname Goose will stick. Hard.

The idea that you have to set up a blog, you will do it. Of course you will. People will actually read what you write. It will be a (deserved) huge source of pride that you managed to produce something other than a small human during maternity leave.

Stop worrying about life after maternity leave. You will get a job. It is actually your dream job. It almost happens by accident, but not really. It is flexible and you will still see Osk. He still loves you more than the creche staff. The entire world will change in ways you cannot imagine right now.

Your husband is the best team mate you could have asked for. Tell him that more often.

Relax. You’ve got this.

Oh, and one more thing, that question you’re asking yourself constantly?

The answer is yes. It is all worth it.

Naomi